Naeem Rana

Reflecting on my personal experience of intimacy has deepened my understanding of relational dynamics, expectations, and emotional responses — insights that inform my work as a counsellor.

When I look inward, I realise I yearn for intimacy almost constantly. I long to feel physically close, safe, and connected — almost as if in a trance where nothing else matters. Yet when it actually happens, physical reality becomes a hurdle. Spending time together requires planning: coordinating chores, work tasks, and communication. Then comes the physicality itself: which arm rests where, how long one can sit in the other’s lap before tiring, comfort of neck and body positions, and room temperature. Even kissing, after a few attempts, can feel less exciting than imagined. These small realities slowly chip away at initial enthusiasm.

Over time, desire can start to feel like a demanding, physically exhausting task. Enthusiasm fades, leaving a sense of strain. I begin to question whether love has diminished or still exists. The mind even flirts with the idea that novelty elsewhere might be easier, forgetting that these physical realities are always part of intimacy.

If we are too caught up in the inner world, fantasy can take over, generating reactive emotional responses. These often show up as dissatisfaction, disappointment, unhappiness, or even anger — creating an environment of blame and disconnection. Conversely, if we focus entirely on the outer world, we may suppress our desire for intimacy, which can lead to emotional hardness and further disconnection. Finding a balance between these two worlds, fostering mutual understanding, and maintaining connection is a profound challenge.

This reflection leads to a universal question explored in therapy: the question of expectations. Our fantasies, hopes, and desires often generate expectations — for experiences, responses, or outcomes. By “response,” I mean how we communicate our needs or interact. When expectations are not met, we experience disappointment, hurt, or even anger. Expectations are closely tied to our sense of self: if we expect enjoyment and it doesn’t happen, we may feel something is wrong with us. What seemed so enjoyable in imagination or observation now feels absent, and we might conclude it is because of us. If the other person is also not attuned to intimacy or closeness, this feeling is reinforced. Taken personally, this hurt is deeply painful. Constantly expecting closeness can lead to anger or toughness, which in turn causes disconnection and suppression of desire (Beck, 1995).

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, what we call “expectations” are often not truly our own. They are instructions from our parts, guiding judgments to ensure safety (Schwartz, 1995). But if these expectations belong to parts, why do we feel hurt? It is because the information is processed by these parts, not by our true self, and often only threat cues are considered. When focus is limited to threat cues, we miss other important information — cues that might invite connection, or perhaps a “threat” cue is simply an honest response. This raises the question: how can we distinguish between expectations that reflect the needs of our true self and those that are protective assessments designed to detect danger?

In practice, I ask myself: how do we apply these insights? When a partner becomes angry and punishes the other because expectations were not met during communication, I first explore the exact sentences spoken just before the disagreement or blow-up. I then gently guide the conversation back to that first sentence, asking what response was expected. This helps identify the part holding the expectation and secretly assessing for danger. From there, I introduce the language of parts to begin the process of unblending. Unblending is a journey of awareness and realisation, often taking several sessions to unfold (Johnson, 2019).

Reflecting on these experiences helps me understand the complex interplay between desire, expectation, and relational dynamics — both in my personal life and in my work with clients. Recognising when expectations are protective instructions rather than true needs can create space for connection, compassion, and self-awareness.

References

Beck, A. T. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York: Guilford Press.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. New York: Guilford Press.

Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. New York: Guilford Press.

Biography

Naeem Rana holds a Master of Counselling and has been practicing and teaching in the counselling field for several years. He supports individuals and couples through challenges such as communication breakdown, cross-cultural relationships, and trust issues. Alongside his clinical practice, Naeem teaches in postgraduate counselling programs and is passionate about shaping the next generation of counsellors. His professional interests include the impact of trauma on relationships, intercultural dynamics, and the evolving role of counselling within Australia’s mental health sector.