In counselling, clients often come in thinking their problem is about one specific relationship. A partner feels distant, a colleague feels controlling, or a family situation feels exhausting. As the conversation goes on, it often becomes clear that the distress is not only about what is happening now. It is usually connected to an older and more familiar pattern, shaped by past relationships, that still affects how the client relates today.

Through my counselling work with clients in Australia and China, particularly those seeking support around long-term relational stress and identity concerns, I have noticed that one important relationship can shape a person for a long time. Its impact is not always so clear when it happens and sometimes feels ordinary or easy to overlook. Years later however, its influence can still be seen in how a person handles closeness, authority, safety or conflict. Clients may not remember when this pattern began, but they are still living with the effects. One pattern that appears again and again in practice is repeated experiences or tropes. For instance, clients often say they feel stuck in the same role in relationships. They may notice they keep choosing similar partners, or that relationships start differently but end in a familiar way. This is often explained as poor communication or bad choices, but that rarely tells the whole story. What keeps repeating is not just behaviour, but a relational pattern that once worked and has now become automatic.

Many clients find it hard to explain this experience. For example, a client once described feeling constantly tired in relationships, explaining that she often put her own needs aside to keep things running smoothly. She noticed that when tension appeared, her first response was to step in and adjust herself, or take responsibility, even when no one had directly asked her to do so.

Others mention similar experiences in relationships, taking too much responsibility for others, feeling unsure of themselves in the relationship or being pulled into roles where they either give in or try to stay in control. These experiences can feel confusing and very personal. They often reflect ways of staying connected, avoiding emotional threat or holding on to a sense of belonging patterns learned long before the current relationship. For example, a client may describe repeatedly feeling responsible for keeping relationships calm and functional, while struggling to name their own needs. Although they recognise this pattern as exhausting, it often feels familiar and difficult to step out of, even when the relationship itself changes.

The perspective I use in this work, referred to as Holographic Gender Relationship Mapping, grew out of a need to understand these repeated patterns without placing clients into fixed categories. Instead of asking: “What is wrong with this person?”, the focus shifts to “What position does this person tend to take in relationships, and how did it develop?” The aim is not diagnosis but understanding. This pattern is explored using a simple four quadrant map, supported by reflection across three key areas of relational experience. These areas invite clients to notice how they relate to themselves in relationships, how they manage closeness and distance, and how they respond to influence or control. Rather than labelling, the map provides both the client and counsellor with a clear point of reference, making repeated patterns easier to notice and talk about in counselling.

This approach looks at important relationships across a person’s life and explores how they are felt, understood and acted out. When these aspects are looked at together, patterns that were previously hard to see begin to make sense. For example, a client may notice that the way they withdraw from conflict in intimate relationships mirrors how they once responded to authority figures earlier in life. Clients often recognise these patterns quickly, sometimes with a sense of relief. The focus moves away from self-blame and toward clearer understanding.

One thing I often notice in practice is that where relational influence comes from makes a difference. Relationships with men and women can carry different emotional meanings, shaped by the situation, expectations and power dynamics involved. Over time, these experiences can lead to a familiar way of responding in relationships. This may show up as strong independence, holding back emotions, being very sensitive to others or struggling to set boundaries.

These responses are not problems in themselves. They are ways of coping that were useful at an earlier time. Although many of the reflections in this article come from counselling work with women in long-term intimate relationships, the patterns described are not limited to gender. Similar patterns can be seen across many different clients whenever a relationship has had a strong influence on how a person sees themselves and others. For example, these patterns also appear in work relationships, friendships, or other close connections where expectations and power are involved.

What many clients lack is not understanding, but a clear relationship map. They often feel that something is wrong but cannot see where change might begin. When relational patterns are named and explored, small shifts start to happen. Clients begin to notice the moments when they become silent, over-adjust, pull away or feel defensive. These reactions no longer feel unavoidable. They become moments where awareness and choice can begin.

From here, I invite readers to slow down and reflect on their own relationship mapping and try to notice those repeating plots. When panic settles and observation begins, a path often becomes visible. It may also become clear that the difficulty is not a flaw in personality but the result of standing in someone else’s shadow. People can be like stones cast into still water; the ripples quietly setting a butterfly effect into motion across the course of a life.

This article is based on reflective observations from counselling practice. No identifying client information is included.