Taming Anxiety and Developing Self-Leadership

Jess Kolbe

As therapists, we are always trying to improve our “toolbox” of strategies. We are in a continuous improvement cycle of moving from theory to practice and, for me, the thirst for practice wisdom — the combination of experience, theory and application — has been at the forefront of my work. My early work as a counsellor was grounded in supporting adolescents, before expanding into working with children and adults impacted by early trauma. A significant focus of my practice now is anxiety — particularly where it intersects with developmental experiences, attachment wounds and long-standing survival responses.

I always like to call what therapists do a craft, as we sit in that space of ongoing development, always engaged in a love affair of learning. Well, most counsellors I meet are! There is no all knowing that we arrive at.

More and more therapists are supporting people with increasing complexity and challenges in their mental wellness, and for me, I see a lot of mental rigidity. Being psychologically inflexible can be due to a range of potential issues but ultimately doesn’t contribute to a sound mind. Because of this, self-leadership as a concept has developed into a key component in my professional “toolbox”.

Developing this “toolbox” has partially stemmed from my previous work in child protection, where, as a Practice Lead, I was required to develop ideas and ways to facilitate the relearning or new learning of childhood development, attunement and regulation. This process was often outside of normal developmental range and I combined my studies in Narrative Therapy and the Neurobiology of Trauma, to explore ways for this to be achieved. The majority of this work stems from common-sense, practical applications from theory to practice.

Firstly, though helping clients with the emotional turmoil or work through learning regulation – to practice returning to baseline – is a key first stop of therapy, managing the mind always follows. In fact, I commonly use this analogy of something for the body, heart and then mind, as a guide for clients in their own self-regulation.

Providing different ways for clients to achieve a semblance of baseline and feel confident in their skills of self-management before digging into the deeper issues has been a fundamental aspect of my work in trauma therapy. A product of this is developing assisting with regulation techniques, stress management, anxiety and panic attunement support — all the crisis-type interventions to aid individuals to return to equilibrium and regain a sense of self and choice, so they can clearly see themselves and what they might need.

This is literally where a lot of my work stems from — a person-centred approach that is curious about how the individual steps out of their fright and flight response. Self‑leadership is the ability to recognise internal states, organise one’s thinking, and choose responses rather than react from survival mode. This involves asking how I can support them with management techniques, so then we can see what they wish to do in therapy.

Paying attention to your thinking – especially the patterns underneath it – is a skill at the best of times. When someone is anxious or overwhelmed, that internal space can quickly turn chaotic. This is where self-leadership comes in. Practical tools to assist a thought-based response make it easier for the emotional turbulence to settle, which then aids a client to start cognitive processing. Part of emotional management is working with the body, not against it. If someone’s hands shake when they’re anxious, instead of trying to stop it, I’ll sometimes say, “OK — let’s make them shake more.” Turn it into jazz hands. Exaggerate it. Let the body finish what it’s trying to do. When you allow physical expression instead of resisting it, the nervous system can discharge activation and return to equilibrium more effectively. When we suppress the physical expression, we trap the activation inside. When we allow it, and even amplify it safely, we move through it. Processed.

Our fears, insecurities and all the bad things that have happened to us can be behind the anxious thinking, as well as a loss of sense of self. Part of self-leadership is understanding that the brain can be in survival mode while the mind is trying to make sense of it. When we are able to recognise the brain is operating from a fear response, you understand how this keeps everything elevated because the world is scary and bad. So, you are reminded of all those bad things (fears and insecurities) as a protective mechanism. This is not necessarily logical, as we are not operating from a rational part of the brain; we are in the survival part.

Hence, by assessing the actual thoughts and where they are coming from — and how much weight you need to put into them — is very important. But how? The organisation of one’s mind is something people battle with, so to reframe these parts of ourselves, in a recognisable context has been very successful in my practice.

Naming and reframing the inner commentary is often where the shift begins. Within the context of my work, often when working with younger people, the term “mean girls” always resonated. Then, once applying the externalising concept of Narrative Therapy, together with a client I came up with the terminology “Bitchy Becky” to name her persona. This is a representation of her fears — within this instance of bullies — that was weaponised by her anxiety.

This type of externalising has been consistently effective in my practice and adapts well across age groups. Anyone can hear what their inner “Bitchy Becky” is saying and therefore create distance between the individual and the anxious thoughts. This can also help in coaching Becky to become an internal cheerleader — or the best version of Becky. Once those thoughts are tamed, and more choice is developed by the client, they can tune into what feels more like them, rather than their anxiety.

The trick with this is to observe what the inner voice is trying to convince you of. Often those fears, insecurities and bad things that have happened can enable one to have emotional distance, to engage from a place of equilibrium, not a place of immersion, and this allows for more therapeutic processes to occur.

This also places the power over thoughts directly with the client, and gives them the option for self-leadership You can also be creative with clients in the sense of using different names, aligning different roles we play — wife, father, manager — and enabling someone to engage from a different space within themselves can be very empowering.

These techniques align with many different theories in counselling — CBT and ACT, as well as solution-focused and person-centred approaches. However, it’s an interpretation of sorts, placing metaphors and tangible ways clients can experience this theory to practice, and how we can empower our clients to feel in control of their thinking, making choices and directing their minds.

Of course, the key to this is helping someone also manage their emotional regulation and stress strategies in order for them to step out of crisis and see themselves as someone they can work with and learn to understand what their needs are in times of anxious overwhelm, creating mental agility. Helping someone feel a sense of power and choice when they are dysregulated is not quick work. It requires layered skill-building and an approach that adapts to the changing nature of our client groups.

For me, the lifelong challenge — and privilege — of this profession is turning theory into something that genuinely works in the counselling room. Our ability to stay mentally agile, to rethink and refine our craft, directly influences how we contribute to the evolving mental health needs of our communities.

Author Biography

Jess Kolbe is a dedicated mental health professional with 25 years of experience, offering practical, actionable strategies to help individuals improve their well-being. She specialises in turning theory into usable skills, giving people the tools they need to enhance psychological resilience. Known for her intuitive approach and use of humour, Jess empowers individuals to build healthier relationships with themselves and navigate life’s challenges more effectively.

www.jesskolbe.com

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