When couples get ready to welcome a baby, most of their attention goes to the practical parts of parenthood, like birth, feeding, sleep, nappies, prams, appointments, and all the little details of caring for a newborn. These steps matter. They help parents feel informed and more prepared for those first days with their baby.

But while couples prepare in practical ways, they are also going through other big changes. Changes to their "me", changes to their "we" and the development of an "us".

Having a baby brings major emotional and relationship shifts. Partners must adapt to new roles, routines, and responsibilities, which can understandably put pressure on even strong relationships.

While the Australian Bureau of Statistics doesn't offer data on this topic, a 2022 study of first-time mothers in Sydney (Shand et al., Australian and New Zealand Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology) found that 89 per cent took part in some kind of antenatal education, with birth and parenting classes being the most popular. This shows that parents already value getting ready for birth and early caregiving. Most antenatal education prepares couples for the baby but leaves the relationship itself unprepared, which is why I hope relationship education becomes part of the picture too, so couples are ready not just for a new baby but for the changes a baby brings to them as a couple.

This is where prenatal relationship education matters most. It isn't only about surviving the newborn stage, it's about noticing the patterns a couple is about to build their family on before those patterns harden into the family system itself. In the therapy room, I rarely meet couples while these patterns are still forming. I meet them years later, once withdrawal, criticism, and quiet resentment have become the default ways they handle stress. Unfortunately at this stage it feels much harder to name and shift. Relationship education offered earlier gives couples the chance to notice these patterns while they're still just patterns, not yet the shape of the whole relationship.

In my work with couples, I often hear that many of the challenges they bring to counselling stem from the transition into parenthood. Studies show that almost one-third of partners fall into the clinical range of marital distress during the first 18 months after birth (Cowan & Cowan, 2000, as cited in Doss et al., 2009). These difficulties may not always appear straight away. Sometimes they show up years later as communication struggles, resentment, emotional distance, conflict, unequal mental load, intimacy concerns, or different approaches to parenting.

When we take time to look closely, couples often say they felt something shift when they became parents. They might feel less connected, less noticed, more reactive, or unsure how to reconnect. Often, they were just trying to get through a tough time without enough words or support for what was happening between them.

One topic that's getting more attention, especially on social media, is the mental load, which many women still carry most of the time in heterosexual relationships. For many mothers, the pressure isn't just about the visible jobs of parenting and running a home. It's also about always thinking ahead, noticing what needs to be done, planning for others, organising routines, and caring for the family's emotional health. If this load isn't named or shared fairly, it can quietly cause exhaustion, resentment, and distance between partners.

Prenatal relationship education can give couples the chance to explore the values, expectations and family patterns that determine how this load is carried. Each partner brings ideas about parenthood into the relationship, including responsibility, care, gender roles, support, conflict and what it means to be a "good" mother, father or partner. Many of these beliefs have been formed by what they experienced in their own families: who carried the emotional pressure, who made decisions, how needs were expressed, and whether support was requested or simply expected.

When couples understand the origins of these patterns, it doesn't automatically solve the challenges that come with them, but it does change the conversation. Instead of arguing about who's more selfish or lazy, they can talk about where the pattern came from and what it was trying to protect. That shift from blame to curiosity doesn't resolve things overnight, but it opens the door to an ongoing conversation, one that can keep adapting as responsibilities and family life shift.

Equipped with these tools, couples can continue having constructive conversations as parenthood evolves. They can listen, repair, adapt, and reconnect as their lives shift.

It is also important to remember that many parents are trying to create a safe, stable, and emotionally connected family environment, even if they did not experience this themselves growing up. They may not have seen healthy conflict, emotional repair, shared responsibility, safe communication, or a secure couple bond modelled in their own families.

Without realising it, couples can repeat the relationship patterns they learned early in life. These patterns may show up when one partner withdraws during conflict, when another becomes critical under stress, when emotions are pushed aside, when resentment builds quietly, or when repair after conflict is difficult.

As I said earlier, this is what prenatal relationship education is for, not just surviving the newborn stage but noticing the pattern before it becomes the family system. It invites couples to reflect on what they have learnt about love, conflict, caregiving, emotional expression, family roles, and responsibility and to make more conscious choices about the kind of relationship and family life they want to build.

This work is not about blame. It is about awareness, choice, and prevention.

Protecting the couple's relationship is not separate from caring for the baby. It forms part of the emotional environment in which the baby develops. As the Gottman Institute notes, "the greatest gift you can give your child is a strong relationship between you and your partner" (Eldemire, 2016).

Birth education helps couples prepare for their baby's arrival. Relationship education prepares them for personal changes, shifts in their partnership, and transitions within their family system. The key takeaway is that both types of education are essential for a healthy family foundation.

When couples are supported in understanding themselves, communicating with care, repairing after conflict, sharing the mental load consciously, and noticing inherited patterns, they are better positioned to build the emotionally supportive family environment many desire. The key takeaway is that relationship education equips couples with the skills needed for ongoing connection and resilience.

Bree Baxter is a Melbourne-based relationship counsellor, former teacher, and founder of Cultivation Counselling and Me, We, Us. She is an ACA Level 2 registered counsellor and professional clinical supervisor, supporting individuals, couples, and families to better understand themselves, their relationships, and the patterns that shape connection.

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969

Eldemire, A. (2016, April 27). 3 tips for couples to stay connected after baby. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/

Shand, A. W., Lewis-Jones, B., Nielsen, T., Svensson, J., Lainchbury, A., Henry, A., & Nassar, N. (2022). Birth outcomes by type of attendance at antenatal education: An observational study. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 62(6), 859–867. https://doi.org/10.1111/ajo.13541