Relationships are fundamental to the human experience, starting the day we are born. They provide connection, safety and purpose. A core part of relationships is how we express affection, how we send it and how we receive it.

For neurodivergent people, expressions of affection often look different leading to signals being missed or misinterpreted. Many neurodivergent people cite difficulty in maintaining relationships and feeling deeply misunderstood from a young age (Crompton et. al., 2021) – which is not surprising if your “love language” is different.

As counsellors, we are often trained on the Chapman “Love Languages” of words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gift giving and quality time (Chapman, 1992). Whilst well intentioned and applicable to large components of the population, they are not the only form of expressing love.

The concept of neurodivergent love languages emerged organically within autistic and neurodivergent communities, with a 2021 post by neurodiversity advocate Em (@Neurowild) https://www.neurowild.com.au/ widely credited with popularising the framework. It has since been expanded by community members and advocates rather than developed as a formal psychological theory.

Many neurodivergent people carry shame and internalised ableism related to their different needs (Botha & Frost, 2020). Having a set of love languages which is representative of how they form connection and express affection, is not just affirming – it is liberating.

Let’s take some time to understand them.

Quality time is about spending active time engaged with the other person, whilst engaging in a shared activity. While parallel play is commonly discussed in relation to autistic people, the concept originated within broader child-development literature. It is the idea of playing next to, or near, rather than with another person. Intimacy is gained by physical proximity while each person enjoys their own passions and interests. It is not only rewarding, but it also provides time to recharge social and emotional batteries – a different, and valid form of “quality time”.

The difficulty is that often as counsellors we are trained that “disconnection” in relationships presents as being near each other and not engaging directly, and can be one of the signs of an “unhealthy” relationship. However for many neurodivergent people, this is a core expression of intimacy and affection, not something to be changed or fixed.

If you have ever had someone give you a gift of a “found object’’ (of no monetary value), just because, it could be a sign of penguin pebbling, or a sign that the person is thinking of you. The term is inspired by observations of some penguin species that use pebbles during courtship and nest building.

A found object might be nature objects like feathers, leaves, sticks and rocks, or things found online like articles, memes, or recipes, and sometimes related to a collection or passion held by the other person. What differentiates this from traditional gift giving is that these “pebbles” often have little to no monetary value and instead of being saved up and given on a designated occasion (like a birthday or anniversary) they are given “just because”.

The difficulty is that due to the low value of these gifts, they can be seen as meaningless. For many neurodivergent people however, these small expressions, done often, are a core way of demonstrating care.

Physical touch is something which can feel deeply uncomfortable for many neurodivergent people due to differences in sensory processing. Many neurodivergent people have hypersensitivity to touch, taste and smell meaning physical connection can feel overwhelming and often have lower levels of proprioception (the ability to understand the position of their body in space).

Deep pressure (hard massage, being laid upon, pushing up against surfaces, big squeezy hugs and weighted objects) are often experienced as calming because they provide proprioceptive input and increased body awareness. Deep pressure is often linked to sensory regulation and is widely documented in occupational therapy and sensory integration literature. Often this can be seen as a preferable form of touch (Ashbruner et. al., 2023).

Difficulties arise here when we see only certain forms of touch as valid or when we see the rejection of physical touch, as a rejection of the person (not the sensation). Everyone has the right to body autonomy and being able to express this as a valid need, rather than a deficit or something to “work on” is essential in neuroaffirming care.

Acts of service is widely accepted as doing something practical for the other person to save them time. On surface level, it looks similar to spoon swapping, however there is a nuanced difference. The name spoon swapping is derived from the “spoon theory” of energy management. While spoon swapping is a community-derived concept rather than a formal psychological construct, it recognises that energy is the most important commodity for neurodivergent people and that within a relationship, the capacity is shared. More information can be found here.

For example an act of service might be that one person packs the other person’s lunch each day as they are making their own anyway. Spoon swapping might be noticing that your partner is looking burned out or overwhelmed and doing more activities for them – knowing that when they have capacity, it will be returned. It also often shows up in how tasks are divided for example in a couple cooking, shopping and meal planning might be easy for one partner whereas taxes, insurance and financial management might be easier for the other. Rather than expecting each person to do everything equally, each person takes accountability for the task aligned with their strengths.

This can be difficult as sometimes it can look like tasks are not evenly shared or that support is patchy, based on neurotypical terms. It also relies on both parties knowing that it is a swap and done in the spirit of collaboration and reciprocity, as over time unmet reciprocity can become a basis of resentment.

Words of affirmation involve providing encouragement, positive feedback and affection for the other person. Some neurodivergent people report that receiving words of affirmation feels uncomfortable or difficult to interpret.

Many neurodivergent people enjoy learning deeply about areas of interest and sharing what they discover. When a neurodivergent person expresses affection, they might decide to share a piece of knowledge with someone (or sometimes many pieces of knowledge at once). This is a way of showing deep trust and respect for the other person, but can often be misinterpreted as being arrogant or a “know it all”.

The difficulty here is that we often interpret the absence of affirming words as an absence of care, rather than recognising that affection may be communicated differently.

Many neurodivergent clients carry shame and internalised ableism, especially when their diagnosis has been late or missed. Much of this relates to the formation and maintenance of relationships. When working with neurodivergent clients it is important to understand how they show affection and like to receive affection and validate their preferences. By presenting alternate narratives of affection to our clients we open a pathway for self-acceptance and understanding as well as genuine and meaningful connection in relationships that are mutually fulfilling.

Freya Corboy is an ACA counsellor and founder of Mumshine, a private practice supporting neurodivergent mums navigating overwhelm and burnout. Her work focuses on reducing invisible load, challenging stigma, and supporting women to unmask and affirm their identity. She also co-hosts the Neurospice & Life podcast, exploring identity, systems, and life beyond deficit narratives for neurodivergent folk.

Ashburner, J., Hillier, A., & Ziviani, J. (2023). Sensory processing and participation in autistic people: A contemporary review. Autism Research, 16(3), 451-466.

Botha, M., & Frost, D. M. (2020). Extending the minority stress model to understand mental health problems experienced by the autistic population. Society and Mental Health, 10(1), 20-34. https://doi.org/10.1177/2156869318804297

Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2021). 'I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people': A thematic analysis of autistic adults' relationships. Autism, 25(4), 1136-1149. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361321998598

Neurowild. (2021). Neurodivergent love languages [Infographic]. Instagram.