Copy of Eight Things Every Counsellor Needs to Know About Family Estrangement

When I first started working with adults as a psychotherapist, I was quickly faced with recurring themes of family conflict, often seeing situations where a distance started to form between the client and several, or all, of their family members. This distance manifested as extended periods where there was little to no contact at all with family, although at the time, I did not recognise this distance as estrangement, and neither did my clients. It wasn’t until I did formal research into this family estrangement that I consciously attached my work to it (Melvin & Hickey, 2021).

Since then, I have worked with countless adults who appear to be estranged; some were sons and daughters, some were brothers and sisters, and some were mothers and fathers. One thing that was consistent with many was the closed-door nature of these family issues and how these clients felt they had no one to truly advocate for them. As professionals, I feel we are in a unique position to not only validate their family situation and advocate for their perspective but to offer the practical guidance needed. In response to this, I wrote my book Navigating Family Estrangement (Melvin, 2024) due to the lack of formal training in this complex phenomenon. The book is designed to act as a practical guide for professionals, such as counsellors and therapists, to help clients navigate the various psychological, relational, and social challenges they may face. As a starting point when faced with clients who might be estranged, I will now discuss eight considerations all counsellors need to know to understand why families become estranged and how it could impact your clients.

In the context of my work, I viewed estrangement as a process where someone consciously puts distance between them and one or more family members, and this distance can vary. So some clients will be less estranged; where they see or interact with each other regularly but often to avoid overt conflict, a powerful sense of obligation and loyalty, and/or specific issues requiring family to communicate. Other clients can be considered more estranged because they rarely see or interact with each other. These contrasting types of estrangement can also be referred to as emotional versus physical estrangement (Agllias, 2016). Knowing where they sit on this estrangement continuum (Scharp, 2014), as well as if the estrangement was voluntarily chosen, is important to know as it might inform some of the challenges the client faces now or in the future. The distance of estrangement can fluctuate due to changing circumstances, dependencies, and pressures from different sources. Some individuals can go years and barely see estranged family, but a sickness may bring them together. As counsellors and therapists, we also need to be cognisant of the desire on either side of an estrangement to reconnect, including past efforts to communicate and perhaps reconcile. This also includes whether these were unsuccessful or if there was a temporary truce before the old family dynamic was reconvened.

Family estrangement is considerably more widespread than many might realise, with one 2014 UK study (n=2082) establishing it can affect one in five families (Ipsos MORI, 2014). A subsequent 2020 US study (n=1340) established one in four individuals are estranged (Pillemer, 2020). However, some feel these figures are conservative, and the actual numbers may be higher. Part of this might be the general lack of understanding of what exactly estrangement is and how those affected may not associate this term with their own situation. Another consideration is the shame some estranged adults experience, resulting in them not choosing to share their situation publicly. One study suggests that 68 percent of estranged people felt there was a stigma surrounding this phenomenon (Blake et al., 2015), which might feed into the shame and generalised fear of openly discussing their circumstances. Unfortunately, this might also prevent estranged adults from accessing the necessary support they need.

The reasons behind an estrangement can be equally complex and, in many cases, not quite clear. Unless multiple family members are present in the therapy room, we will be left with only the client‘s perspective to form an overview. However, some of the most common reasons cited in the estrangement literature range from emotional abuse, unrealistic expectations, neglect, divorce, mental health issues, and traumatic experiences such as a loss within the family (Blake et al., 2015). These also seem to vary depending on the perspective of the family members, i.e. parents might cite a reason that is different from that of their adult son or daughter.

Establishing the reasons will involve the client sharing many difficult experiences with their family, both in isolation and in combination with others, which may have occurred across many years. While some of these situations will be volcanic in the scale of the conflict (Pillemer, 2020), others might seem minor and even trivial. However, these will all be part of a bigger pattern of issues within the family, perhaps going back any number of generations. These can also be rooted in other social, cultural, economic, and political factors outside of the immediate family system, and time will be spent unpacking their complex history. To provide some insight, below are some of the family dynamics that have led to estrangement, which I see frequently in my practice:

Personality differences, which can include different and opposing interests, beliefs, and views; temperament and stress reactivity; levels of compassion, et cetera, may lead to conflict. This can be in relation to a wide range of topics, from global and national politics to issues closer to home. I have found a lack of compassion is a common theme with estrangement, particularly with concerns over the impact of certain actions and behaviours on others.
Double standards and rules that are imposed on others but not on oneself. This includes expecting others to maintain contact or fulfill a role or duty that they themselves will not do. An example I see with estranged adult sons and daughters is how their parents expect them to care about and for them but do not demonstrate any care themselves. Alternatively, some estranged parents feel their adult sons and daughters expect them to passively accept damaging and disrespectful behaviour.
Undermining someone’s confidence and challenging their autonomy by doubting their decisions and capacity to solve problems.
Negative bias, such as automatically viewing a family member in a bad light, irrespective of their efforts to gain approval or achievements in life.
Character assassination, where attempts are made to negatively influence how a person is viewed by other family members.
Exclusion from conversations, including WhatsApp groups, events, and decisions.
Conditional contact, such as family members only calling when they need something from a family member.
Avoidance behaviours, such as pushing important issues under the carpet by ignoring or redirecting a topic.

What complicates this is how the rejection may not be just from experiences with family but from those aware of the estrangement. A lack of understanding of the many family dynamics that lead to estrangement may prompt some to minimise the issues at hand and criticise those for not putting differences aside. Any subsequent experiences where feelings are dismissed may be felt as another rejection and fuel the sense of isolation. The powerful bond of family means many will view all families through a subjective lens and thus may not comprehend why others do not have a similar relationship with their family. This will also be connected to our society’s strong values on the importance of family, with estrangement conflicting with this.

The psychological challenges can include experiences of depression, anxiety, rumination, chronic stress, anger, shock and devastation, shame and grief. The relational challenges can include recurring patterns of misunderstanding and conflict, intimacy struggles, poor relationship choices. And the other social challenges can include difficulties in explaining the family status to non-estranged family members, managing stressful events that will involve estranged family members, and other circumstances that arise. What makes them layered is their interdependent nature, in that they interact, influence, and often compound each other. Any aspect of the psychological challenges, such as guilt, may create relational and social challenges, such as withdrawal and isolation, which then closes the client off to the support they need and deserve. However, it is important to note that the impact is not always negative, and there are positives cited in the research, including reduced stress (Melvin & Hickey, 2021).

I like to think we have moved past outdated ideas that time heals all wounds, particularly in relation to the enduring imprint of trauma. However, time is an important consideration when working with estrangement. If the estrangement was relatively recent, clients might not feel comfortable talking in depth about it due to the rawness of their emotions (Melvin, 2021), but also the uncertainty around the future of the relationship and fears of damaging the chance of reconciliation. The client may also feel they are being disloyal for sharing private family matters, which is reasonable in the framework of stigma previously mentioned.

Time may inform and change how individual clients may experience specific impacts, but also how long they have had to garner insight and wisdom into their family history and present dynamics. Validating their feelings and perceptions of these has been found to be very important (Blake et al., 2019). However, the client may have lost a sense of time if the estrangement is ambiguous, such as when there are patterns of distance and reconnection. In fact, it is not uncommon to cycle in and out of estrangement up to five times (Blake at al., 2015), so they may not remember how long the current iteration has gone on for.

In terms of the estrangement literature, the most common perspectives addressed are those of adult sons and daughters, parents, and siblings; however, there will be others, such as grandparents, nieces, nephews and others. Perspective shapes why each person thinks the estrangement has happened, and unsurprisingly, the reasons that adult-children cite often vary from parents. These understandings will also influence their estrangement experience and the challenges they face. For example, shame seems to be felt more by women than men (Agllias, 2013). The perspective will determine who may have initiated the estrangement as well as any desire to reconcile, as I have anecdotally found adult sons and daughters were more inclined to create distance from parents, but parents have a greater desire to repair the relationship than adult sons and daughters.

Although there is research highlighting the importance of support for estranged adults (Blake et al., 2015), locating the right support can be hard. Research in this field features stories of both positive and negative experiences when estranged adults shared their situation with counsellors, GPs, social workers, police, and religious leaders (Blake et al., 2015). One recent study looked at the experiences of estranged adults receiving therapeutic support and found the most helpful experiences were when the counsellor/therapist acknowledged the many ways the estrangement affected them (Blake et al., 2022a). This includes validating the ripple effect on other relationships (Blake et al’, 2022a) or what I refer to as the estrangement radius, meaning the social network of people affected, which can extend past the primary estranged parties to extended family members and friends of the family (Melvin, 2024). This human ripple can be very stressful to navigate for not just the client but also others who are inadvertently caught in the crossfire.

The type of support required will vary, although the above study found addressing the causes and consequences of estrangement and improving the client‘s relationship with themselves and others to be of particular importance (Blake et al., 2022a). My own clinical approach has been to meet the client exactly where they are so we can deconstruct their complex family history, while collaboratively exploring practical solutions and effective coping strategies to the present-day challenges of their situation.

Alternative support options are online, peer-led groups, which have been shown to be effective in one study (Blake et al., 2022b), although I have found these to be a mixed bag in terms of quality of engagement due to the conflicting experiences and perspectives of members. As a result, these groups can be either a great source of acceptance and compassion or a source of rejection and distress. The only way to know this is for clients to search for different groups on social media and observe how they are moderated before taking a risk and sharing their stories.

This article is just the tip of the iceberg for a diverse phenomenon that is in need of more nuanced public discourse as well as specialised training resources for professionals. Alas, as estrangement is so prevalent, I feel it is inevitable that all counsellors and therapists will face it in their clinical practice at some point. As many estranged adults discuss feeling isolated (Blake et al., 2022a), having a professional who can meet the complexity of their experiences with openness and compassion means they no longer have to navigate their estrangement alone, and this could leave an enduringly positive impression on their well-being, sense of worth, and ability to attune to those who genuinely care for them.

Karl Melvin is an IACP (Irish Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) accredited psychotherapist with an MA in Counselling and Psychotherapy. He has spent 14 years working with estranged adults of different perspectives. He has spent several years training professionals on his own approach to understanding the complex reality of family estrangement and how to support clients through the various psychological, relational, and social challenges they face. He has published one paper in the Family Journal, entitled The Changing Impact and Challenges of Familial Estrangement, and his first book, Navigating Family Estrangement, published by Routledge, is a practical guide for professionals working with estrangement and is available from all book sellers now.

Agllias, K. (2013, July 11). The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life. Affilia, 28(3), 309–321. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886109913495727.

Agllias, K. (2016, October 6). Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. Routledge.

Blake, L., Bland, B., & Golombok, S. (2015). HIDDEN VOICES: Family Estrangement In Adulthood. [online] Stand-alone.org.uk.Available at: https://www.stand-alone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalReport.pdf, accessed 21 July 2018.

Blake, L., Bland, B., & Imrie, S. (2019, October 9). The Counseling Experiences of Individuals Who Are Estranged From a Family Member. Family Relations, 69(4), 820–831. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12385.

Blake, L., Rouncefield‐Swales, A., Bland, B., & Carter, B. (2022, December 12). An interview study exploring clients’ experiences of receiving therapeutic support for family estrangement in the UK. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 23(1), 105–114. https://doi.org/10.1002/capr.12603.

Blake, L., Bland, B., & Gilbert, H. (2022a, December). The efficacy of a facilitated support group intervention to reduce the psychological distress of individuals experiencing family estrangement. Evaluation and Program Planning, 95, 102168. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evalprogplan.2022.102168.

Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words. (2021). In Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/estrange

Melvin, K., & Hickey, J. (2021, August 31). The Changing Impact and Challenges of Familial Estrangement. The Family Journal, 30(3), 348–356.
https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211035490.

Melvin, K. (2024). Navigating Family Estrangement: Helping Adults Understand and Manage the Challenges of Family (1st ed.). Routledge.
Pillemer, K. (2020, September 8). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Avery.

Scharp, K. (2014). (De)constructing family: exploring communicative practices in accomplishing and maintaining estrangement between adult children and their parents. Doctor of Philosophy (PhD), University of Iowa. https://doi.org/10.17077/etd.rpvu7hul.